The Cannibal King Strategy


I think it’s good to have a plan for the apocalypse… a general strategy, if you will, for how you want to play things out in a world post-civilization.  Perhaps it’ll be a nuclear explosion that wipes out most of humanity, a pandemic that destroys the humans that run our infrastructure, or a good old fashioned Rapture that takes the holiest and leaves the rest of us. In narratives like “The Road”, “Book of Eli”, “Mad Max” (and the like) there’s usually a small group of righteous individuals journeying through a landscape of cannibalistic squadrons of darkly-clad degenerates organized by a malevolent ruler.  There’s variations, but let’s take Book of Eli as a prime example:

gary oldman

Gary Oldman (Carnegie) rules over a barren landscape with henchmen, a concubine, and  access to the choicest water and food.  As we come into the story he’s ruled for decades.  Meanwhile, Denzel travels the wasteland solo, carrying a book which seems like an allegory for the bible–until the dumb ass ending shows us it’s actually the friggin’ bible (as I’ve said before, there’s a statute of limitations on spoiler alerts).  Of course, we root for Denzel as he gets all badass on Gary Oldman’s crew.   But slicing people’s hands off aside, to me, Denzel is on some sucker sh*t.  He spends most of his life lonely as hell, eating cats and rodents, and yeah…he gets to hang out with Mila Kunis, but never hooks up (friend zone, anyone?).


Nah, in the apocalypse I want to be Gary Oldman.

Granted, Denzel defeats him at the end of the movie, but they both die.  And remember–Gary ruled for decades, so I ask you this…who had the happier life?  And really, if Gary wasn’t so obsessed with the book, he might have been able to keep living the high life–by post apocalyptic standards of course.  So, my plan for Dystopia includes a strategy for how to ball as hard as I can.

ball in the apocalypse

And that starts with planning.  You’ve got to think like a corporation and visualize.

First, there’s bound to be a period of time when people are shell-shocked after “the event” (the flash, the quickening, doomsday, whatever name it gets) and humanity (or at least what’s left of it) decides to unite toward a goal of peace and harmony.  There will be a couple years of food storage when people will share resources and try to find ways to sustain life from a basis of mutual respect and love.  This will be the time period when I begin acclimating my palate to human flesh, starting with the recently deceased.  You know… trying different recipes, figuring out the best cut…do I grill a human ankle, or should I fry?  Obviously, cooking for a long time on slow heat would be my assumption for the best taste, but I’ll be doing this secretly, so I might not have the luxury.

In the meantime, while everyone is talking about banding together and perhaps finding a way to be righteous so that they can be part of the rapture, I will be recruiting.  Some form of loose organization structure will emerge, and probably incorporate religious philosophies…and that’ll be just perfect.  I will join immediately and rise through the ranks, all the while snacking on my fellow man.  The other reason for the eating of people, is that it will leave me with an abundance of food, which I will hide for safe storage.  I will intermittently share my extras as though I’m going hungry, and grow in affection within my organization as a selfless and holy man, again helping the recruiting process for my cannibal cult.


Then of course, food will become scarce.  Humans will start eating rodents, and bugs, and finally sandwiches from Subway (eat fresh my ass).  And that’s when me and a solid crew start eating mother*****rs.  By my estimation, being the cannibal king is really about being the first to abandon your humanity (holding out is just delaying the inevitable), having a solid initial crew of easily manipulated minions, and chomping down on people while there’s still other food.

my niggaz

First we will start eating people that look delicious and are annoying…Kim Kardashian comes to mind, Rush Limbaugh looks delectable.  I really think my minions will get behind this.  But after they’ve all adjusted to cannibalism, I think we’ll just indiscriminately eat the slowest and the least useful.  From that, the system will be a “join-us-or-get-eaten” policy and the growth of my empire should just roll downhill after the intial upstart.  I should be able to pass off most of the management duties to a new CEO and remain chairman of the operation, and just chill for the most part…


Until some self-righteous killjoy, gets all pious & moralistic on me, because I ate his dad or some other nonsense he should just let go.  

party foul bro

He will obviously exact vengeance (god says to forgive but he’s a hypocrite), and I’ll hang my hat, die dramatically and call it a good run. If you’re reading this, it’s not too late to get in on the ground floor of my Cannibal Army. You won’t be king, but you can be high ranking. Just holla at your boy.




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