In Defense of 2 Chainz

2chainz-different-video-600x450

I love 2 Chainz. And if you don’t like him, you’re wrong and you pretty much don’t know sh*t about sh*t. Go listen to Macklemore or Immortal Technique and give yourself a swirlie…nerd.

2 Chainz is better than you. And why? Let me count the ways.

1. He’s taller than you…6 foot 5 approximately. You ain’t that tall so sit down…Witcha broke ass.
2. He has more Chainz than you. At least 1 more, but probably 2
3. His hair is long, his money is long, and last I checked he had an aversion to associating with broke niggaz
4. He’s 37, which gives me hope that I can still break into the rap game post 30

And despite these indisputable facts some people still aren’t convinced. Below are some of the statements I’ve heard you mouthbreathers say when knocking Tityboi, as though he’s anything but the best rapper in the game right now.

“2 Chainz is Dumb”

Nope. You’re just not smart enough to get on his level. 2 chainz actually graduated 2nd in his high school class and graduated college with a 4.0…some reports state that he did so in 3 years. So yeah, maybe it was Alabama State rather than Yale, but Alabama State is the Yale of Alabama. What’s the Cornell of Alabama? Dale and Cletus’ Handfishing Academy.

And Alabama’s version of WSU?–it’s a barn where you drink 22s of schlitz for 7 hours per day while staring at a dog licking up a jar of mayonnaise that spilled. The acceptance rate is lower than actual WSU, strangely enough.

“OK, well his lyrics are dumb”

Here, you are closer to a point, but you still miss the mark. Again, you just don’t get it. His most oft criticized lyric, highlighted when he’s accused of being ignorant is: “She got a big booty, so I call her big booty”. If you don’t find this profound, 2 chainz is probably smashing your girl right now (2 Trainz?). Because you’re a lame. Upon close reading analysis, you can obviously tell that the word choice is evocative, the imagery robust, and the subtext runs deeper than 2 chainz himself into your girls guts. I would try to explain it all to you, but it would be like teaching Shakespeare to a drunk hamster.

No, instead I’ll put it like this:

I think of 2 Chainz as the William Carlos Williams of the Rap Game. Don’t know who that is? Unsurprising. He’s most famous for his poem The Red Wheelbarrow

The Red Wheelbarrow, by William Carlos Williams

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

Yeah, I bet you don’t get that poem either. Dub Cee Dubz is obviously talking about the crack game there. As an aside, Little known fact: the TS in TS eliot’s name stood for “Trap Star”. And tell me the following line isn’t far and away better than anything in the Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock

“Let me slow it down ‘fore I get a ticket
Nigga want a verse from me, it’s gon’ cost a chicken”

“He isn’t saying anything”

Well, I already responded to this somewhat, as 2 chainz stays TRU to the “show don’t tell” method of intellectual poetry, but I’ll drop down to your dumb ass level for a minute. I assume by this you mean, he’s not Tupac. Well yeah…first of all it’s time to stop jocking Tupac…but also–who has “said anything” in the last 15 years. I suppose you mean Talib Kweli. Well, where’s Talib now? Not wearing Givenchy (god bless you) and driving a lambo, I’ll tell you that. Even Common and Mos Def are spending their time in movies because their records aren’t selling. When I’m looking for political discourse I listen to NPR or read well researched articles. If you’re looking to Hip Hop to find enlightenment or explore academia…you’re shopping at the wrong store.

Also, ahem. Not saying anything?:

“Uh, all I do is me: masturbation, I can make your girl walk: graduation,
I’m known to make it rain; you do condensation”

I rest my case.

“His rhymes are sexist”

All I can say to that is stop being a silly ho. A follow up suggestion…look back at it.

So yes. I love 2 Chainz, and not ironically. You should too. If you don’t, then tell whoever is helping you sound out the big words in this blog post that they should be fired. And crank this shizzzzzz…

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